WVSU Yellow Jacket — Peaceful uses for atomic bombs
By Sean Rose
Does the phrase "Cold War" mean anything to you? No? It’s a catch phrase the government is using for reselling unused atomic bombs.
Flashy TV and print ads read "Cold War Sale!! Everything must go!! Uncle Sam has to cover junk bond payoffs!! This weekend only!!!"
Most of the youngsters out there probably don’t remember getting under their desk for fake bombings or going deep into the radioactive fallout shelter in their school’s basement.
That’s Okay, they don’t need to know.
However, YOU should be interested in what the government is doing with all of their extra atomic bombs.
The pamphlets read ". . . bombs can be tethered together and painted bright colors for use in playgrounds for children." You may also notice new bomb shaped sculptures around your metropolitan area with the posh "Bombs by DeGarre" in luscious pink.
Uncle Sam has also invested your Social Security money into a new theme restaurant chain called "The Meltdown" where the slogan is "The food will blow you up!" The tables are made from two atomic bombs with a glass top. Decorations include pictures from the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Bean counter analysts estimate the chain will rake in a cool 300+ million dollars in the first year alone. Don’t count on that money coming back to Social Security. . . it’s lining the pockets of the GOP.
New in malls across America, I believe Sears Roebuck has already signed on, are a line of geriatric aids like footstools and handicapped accessible commodes made from the shells of atomic bombs.
In one of the last moves of his term, President Clinton has signed a deal with The Bubba Shrimp Company to sell an undisclosed number of atomic bombs to use as anchors on the company’s boats. Clinton said, "This contract is good for the country and helps us meet the Reduction of Big Bombs Act signed in Paris last year."
Clinton also mentioned, ". . . as a means to control our nuclear stockpile, we will be using nuclear bombs as crash barrels on the Federal Interstate Highway System." When questioned about public safety, Clinton responded, "If you hit one, you won’t know the difference."
The most controversial use of the unused bombs is for birth control. Pocket Rocket Undies Corporation buys unused atomic bombs and splits the outer casing in two. They then sell the shells as avant garde bathtubs for the rich.
The company takes the refined Uranium-235 and sews a one-ounce cube into the crotch of men’s underwear, claiming the radiation kills the sperms cells preventing pregnancy.
Pocket Rocket spokesman, Tom Holleran said, "It’s sex without the hassle. Our customers are free to ride without the hindrance of contraceptive devices." The company press release said the radiation also helps reduce the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, but more tests must be conducted.
Want to know more? Email your political leaders and ask for a "Home nuclear bomb disposal kit." You will be sent an application form so that you may acquire an atomic device for your own use.
Pass on your ideas for peaceful atomic weapons use to srose@cycline3.com.
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